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I have made the first, most difficult step, in the obscure and painful maze of my Confessions. Such as I was, I have declared myself; sometimes vile and despicable, at others, virtuous, generous and sublime; even as thou hast read my inmost soul: Power eternal!
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After some preliminary flattery, which I did not comprehend the meaning of, he lookingg this expedition to me, as an idea which had that moment struck him.
Could I love thee thus wert thou only my son? A continual repetition of ill treatment rendered me callous; it seemed a kind of composition for my crimes, which authorized me to continue them, and, instead of looking back at the punishment, I looked forward to revenge.
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G——, who had a captain's commission in France, and was related to several of the Council. I was returning home with my two companions, and had got within half a league of the city, when I heard them beat the tattoo; I redouble my pace, I run with my utmost speed, I approach the bridge, see the soldiers already at their posts, I call out to them in a suffocated voice—it is too late; I am twenty paces from the guard, the first bridge is already drawn up, and I tremble to see those terrible horns advanced in the air which announce the fatal and inevitable destiny, which from this moment began to pursue me.
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This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses, which, notwithstanding, was sufficiently painful; for though not oversolicitous of praise, I was feelingly alive to shame; yet I can truly affirm, the dread of being reprimanded by Miss Lambercier alarmed me less than the thought of making her uneasy. My head was now completely turned; and during the two days she remained here, I was intoxicated with delight.
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After an interval, which seemed an age of expectation, this hour arrived. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved on my ses, that every relative idea renews my emotion: the sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely detached from personal motives, that my heart is as much inflamed at the sight or relation of any act of injustice whatever may be the object, or wheresoever it may be perpetrated as if I was the immediate sufferer.
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Lookin this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgment, which obstinacy brought on several repetitions, and reduced me to a deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to suffer death rather than submit. A sheet of fine drawing paper was a greater temptation than money sufficient to have purchased a ream.
Dex wasted his time, and employed myself in engraving medals, which served me and my companions as a kind of inia for a new invented order always looking for sex chat pont maugis chivalry, and though this differed very little from my usual employ, I considered it as a relaxation.
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If animated with my subject, I express my thoughts with ease, but, in ordinary conversations, I can say nothing—absolutely nothing; and, being obliged to speak, renders them insupportable. Lambercier, as usual, assisted at the operation; we contrived to get between him and our tree, towards which he fortunately aldays his back.
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